October 29, 2006 - 11:39 p.m.
<Joe is too patient with me
>
This weekend I had a CAT scan. It was okay enough, except for the fact that it just further enforces the fact that the doctors have no idea what’s going on and have to keep getting scarier and more intense with the tests. I got a print out of my lab work on Friday, and can you believe that I was sad to discover that I don’t have parasites? At this point, I was kind of hoping for them. At least that would be an answer. It's kind of sad when you're hoping for parasites just to have everything over with.
Also, the CAT scan makes you feel like you’re peeing your pants. And the guy didn’t tell me that until I had already been freaking out for about a minute wondering how I was going to explain the fact that I spontaneously peed myself and couldn’t stop.
I spent the weekend with Joe. I actually almost went home on Friday night. We decided not to go to a costume party we’d been invited to, and instead stayed hanging out with everyone at Joe’s apartment. In the middle of Blues Brothers I felt bad, so I went to lay down on Joe’s bed. I did that a couple times this weekend, and I always feel weird. I try to be as discrete as possible, quietly leaving the room. But I know that after a while everyone notices I’m gone and Joe comes in to check on me and I feel like I’m some kind of attention whore. I’m not, but it’s hard not to feel that way. Anyway, during the movie I went to lie down and I felt so awful that I packed myself up and waited for Joe to come check on me to tell him I was leaving. I didn’t want to make a scene in the middle of the movie. Joe came in after the movie to check on me, and I told him I was leaving . I asked him to lay down with me for a few minutes, though, and we ended up talking and I ended up crying and it was intense, but he was so beautiful for me. I ended up staying the night, and we stayed in bed all day Saturday. Our big thing was getting up to go to to grocery store at like 7:30pm. Saturday night I felt horribly and thought I was going to leave again, but ended up staying again. Today we spent a few hours in bed before getting up to eat and watch a movie, and I left in the afternoon.
So basically, it was a lazy-ass weekend. But thank God for Joe. He just sat around with me all weekend and I loved every minute of it. I felt like crap, but he was there and he was holding me most of the time and it was great. I’m almost sad that I didn’t meet him later in life. Compared to a lot of my friends and people my age, I know I have my fair share of exes. But I almost wish I could have a few more before him, because I could see this being it. And my biggest concern with us staying together is that we won’t because he doesn’t have enough exes. Or any, really. I’m afraid that he’s just swept away because this is his first real relationship, and after a while he’ll cave under the pressure of not knowing what else is out there. My biggest concern is that we met each other too soon. I know it’ll be a while before I can shake that.
But for my own part, I’m willing to give up all of that to stay with him. Every time I think of the future, he’s in it – and that’s exactly where I want him to be.
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