October 15, 2006 - 7:31 p.m.
<I guess the only important thing will be that we each found each other
>
Joe came this weekend. I've been seeing a lot of him lately and it's wonderful. I love him. And everything was beautiful.
We tried to go out Saturday night, but I felt so awful. We went to Emily's for about 20 minutes, we went to the movie store. On the way to the movie store, I started feeling exceptionally poorly. That's the stupid thing about my as of yet undiagnosed illness. It comes suddenly. I told them I was going to stay in the car while they went in, and they were inside for a half hour. I layed in the car and felt bad and cried and couldn't wait for them to get back. I was so angry and annoyed that I can't even hang out and watch a movie or stand in the movie store because I'm so goddamn sick.
When they got back in the car, they announced that they wanted candy. On the drive home they asked why I wasn't going to the grocery store, and I asked them if I could drop Emily and Andie off at home and they could go to the store, because I needed to go home. Of course, opening my mouth to say this let out all the tears I'd been holding in since everyone got in the car. Everyone got silent and it was so awful. When we got back to Emily's, Joe actually asked me if I wanted him to come home with me. Of course! I was actually angry that he asked me that. I was sick, so sick that I couldn't even sit at Emily's and watch a movie, feeling so bad that I'm crying, and he had to ask if I wanted him with me or if I wanted him to stay with my friends and watch a movie.
When we got home I just layed in bed and cried. I was silent for a long time but after a while I started talking, about how I'm frustrated because I'm sick and the doctor can't figure it out. And I'm so upset because this sickness has made me drop classes and has resulted in such a lonely three weeks, because I can't go anywhere or do anything, basically. I can't go anywhere that I can't leave immediately if I feel bad. But even though my friends know I'm sick, some of them, no one has even called to see how I'm doing except Ramsey. And the stupid thing is, I feel like I'm a bad friend because I haven't been around lately. In one of the few things Joe even said, he said he was sorry that my friends aren't the superheroes I want them to be - I interrupted him. I don't know if he was trying to be smart with me or what, but I said that's exactly the point. I don't expect anyone to be a superhero. I do expect, though, that my friends show the least bit of interest or compassion in the fact that my life has essentially stopped for three weeks. Couldn't anyone find five minutes in the past three weeks to just ask how I was doing? I don't expect a lot, but I'd like to know that there are people I can depend upon.
I wanted to talk to Joe about how I felt completely unsupported and unsympahtized with by him, but I know he was trying to be good for me at the moment so I didn't have the heart. I still didn't feel that supported, though. He puttered around doing things for 10 minutes when we first got home, instead of holding me or trying to help me feel better. I was crying on the bed, and I'd been crying in the car, and he was just going to the bathroom and playing with his phone and doing whatever else he was doing. I know he didn't mean it, but he can sometimes really let me down. I was obviously having a breakdown of sorts and he wasn't even there. When he did sit on the bed with me, he just sat there while I blubbered on for a few minutes about everything. But he never said anything, or did anything. I guess I don't exactly know what I expect him ro say or do, and usually I'm glad when I'm upset and no one is trying to make me talk. I guess it's just that I felt alone already that I wanted him to do something to show that he cared.
I know I sound like Joe is so awful. It's actually quite different and I'm actually quite in love with him. It's just that I feel like I have to almost teach him some very basic things about being in a relationship, and I don't know how. The problems I have with him are problems I haven't had to deal with before, and problems I haven't seen others have to deal with in a long time. So they always surprise me.
But, contrary to what it may seem, he is amazing and that is the topic of the next segment of the night. We snuggled in my bed for a couple hours, and we talked about us a lot and being in it for the long haul and all of that. And I think we're starting to be comfortable vocalizing our intentions to be together for a very, very long time. As far as I'm concerned, he could be the last. I know I sound so foolhardy saying that, but it's true. And very comfortable.
I told him that I was worried because I am, in fact, his first girlfriend of note. What if, a couple years from now, he decides that we have to break up so he can see what else is out there? His defense was that the reason I'm the first big relationship is because he has seen what else was out there and he was waiting until someome came who was exactly what he wanted. That's very sweet, and perhaps very true. I just can't shake the feeling that I've learned so much about what I wanted and who I wanted because of all those I've dated. So I can't pretend that this concern won't be around for a while. But if this works out with us, though, I guess the only important thing will be that we each found each other in our own way.
This morning he woke me up as he was leaving, because he is spending the next couple days visiting his grandparents. He was going to meet his grandparents at their church. He woke up before me and got dressed, so I got to wake up to the most handsome man. I loved emerging from my (five!) blanket cocoon, in my underwear and the shirts I wore to bed, to give him a hug goodbye. It was really beautiful.
---
Anyway, I'm going home tomorrow for another round of blood tests. This is my doctor's last round of guesses. After this, she's going to send me to a more specialized doctor. This is the most ridiculous and frustrating experience of my life.
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