October 12, 2006 - 3:46 p.m.
<I'm a whiny bitch today
>
Joe's brother has been sending me messages over the past day or two asking me why I like his brother. At first I brushed them off with little jokes and such because I wasn't sure how to answer him. Then I got a little more serious offering a sentence or two saying that I disagreed and that Joe means the world to me. Finally today he sent me a big paragraph, in which he decides to give me advice because he's known Joe longer. He told me that Joe is devoid of personality, vapid, bullheaded, and a string of other things. He says he's not sure how I put up with it. I really hate that his brother said that. I hate that they can't get along, but I understand that siblings can have such opinions about each other. And this guy, as far as I can tell, disregards people easily. Still, I would obviously not put so much time, energy, and love into someone who was vapid. I would get bored with him after approximately 20 minutes. I naturally can't tell Joe that his brother said all of those things about him; I can only imagine what it'd do to me if I heard that my little brother approached Joe and insulted me and said he couldn't understand why we were dating. Right now it's ommision, but yesterday I mentioned that Ben was curious about our relationship. What if Joe asks me today if I've heard anything from him since? What do I say to that? Why did his brother even create such an odd situation? I can get bored or annoyed with my brothers, but if a girl likes them I totally understand why because I love them to death. And even if I didn't understand why the girls liked them, I sure wouldn't try to dissuade her from loving the same person I love! WHAT IS GOING ON?
Also, I wish Joe would be a little stronger and more supportive sometimes. I mean, there's nothing he specifically does that leaves me high and dry, but I don't feel exceptionally able to lean on him, either. When he goes on about things that bother him, I try to help him fix the problem, or if I can't help him I at least try to make him feel better about the situation and himself. I tell him he's amazing all the time because I mean it and I need him to know that someone believes in him so much. But I just wish he'd do the same for me. When I have a problem, he kind of just listens to me and moves on. Like when I had to drop those classes - that was a huge problem because I feel like a failure at life and it's also severely altering how I thought the next year or so was going to operate. I was sick and out of school and out of commision for two weeks, and for a while I wondered if he even remembered I was sick because he never asked me how I was doing or how I felt. The night I told him I was dropping two classes, I probably talked about that for 20 seconds and then he changed the subject without so much as a "that sucks." Then he started talking about how in one of his classes that day, he got a B and how it was so awful because he had only gotten As on everything so far. I wanted to care, but really I was fuming. He didn't try to make me feel better, he didn't try to tell me that I was a competant and capable and great person otherwise. He just kind of listened for a few seconds, then moved on. Like he didn't even care. I know I could yap on and on and make him listen to me, but when there's no response at all when I first bring things up I'm not going to keep on going. Still, it bothers me. I just need to know that he believes in me and that he's caring about me. Sometimes when I lean on him I don't want him to lean on me, too. Sometimes I just need a rock and I need someone to hold me and my insecurities and my sickness and all of that and just take the load off of me for a minute. Sometimes I just need to hug him and hang onto him and I need him to be able to support me for just a while.
If I tell him I wish he'd say or do certain things, he does. A while ago I was feeling like crap because he never ever told me I was pretty - he maybe said it once. Out of anyone in the world, he's the person I care most about thinking I'm pretty. So finally I brought it up and he said he was sorry and told me how beautiful I am or whatever, but I hated that I had to ask for him to do that. Then it just feels empty. So I don't to ask him to believe in me, because that would be empty too. And I can't lean on that.
I can be strong for him when he needs it. But I need that, too. I can't support both of us all the time.
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