October 08, 2006 - 9:37 p.m.
<and... I'm back again!
>
I seem to have a love-hate relationship with this diary. Sometimes I feel like having it open for the world to see makes me censor myself, even though no one I know in real life even knows about it (except an old ex, who I doubt would ever think to check it anymore because it's been locked for so long). But then again, I've been keeping up with a diary just saved as word documents, and I've noticed that they're less clear, less beautiful, and less engaging than the ones I would write here. My journal has been very bland as of late. I think I need this linear structure somehow - I need to write and put it out, rather than write and save it in the dark recesses of my hard drive. So I'm going to give this thing another shot, I think.
Since my last entry in January, alot has happened. A short summary is that Ramsey broke up with me in early February. I knew from the beginning that we wouldn't last forever, but I still feel really hard for him and it tore my life up when we broke up. I was inconsoleable and basically didn't get out of bed for a few days at a time. But obviously I slowly rebuilt my life. Ramsey and I are still great friends. He's one of my best friends and I see him a few times a week. I dated some random people and at the end of May I met my current boyfriend Joe and a pirate & ninja costume party. I was a ninja. He was a pirate. It was all very cute. Even though we've only been together for a few months, I've fallen so hard and fast for him that it's insane. I could see this lasting, which surprises me because I feel like my college dating life has jaded me. Not that I didn't believe in love, or want love, or all of that - but I don't remember being so consumed by it in a long time. Basically, since Robert. I've become much more matter-of-fact about it, but Joe is kind of changing that. I can't decide if this is good or if I'm reverting back to my high school love life ways, which I'd hate because I've really grown so much. He's also not really had any girlfriends worthy of note, so I'm afraid that I'm his "starter girlfriend", and that he only thinks he's fallen very hard and quickly for me because he has nothing to compare it to. I've dated a lot of guys. I've had bad relationships, and more often amazing ones, and all of those and my history is how I know that what I have with Joe is a one in a million thing. I'm only afraid that a) he thinks its more amazing to him than it is only because he doesn't have anythin to compare us to or b) he doesn't realize how amazing we are together because he has nothing to compare it to. Basically, I wish he had a few girlfriends under his belt. I'm so grateful for how much I've changed and learned from my ex boyfriends, I'm sad that he hasn't had the same experience before the two of us.
I had an internship at a gambling magazine over the summer, and it was pretty nice. The magazine was small, so I didn't get to see or learn as much as I would've hoped. But I also got to do a few cool things I wouldn't have been able to do if there were more people, like write an article and there were a few pages of the magazine every month - like the book reviews and the trivia page - that were all mine. This is my senior year of college, and I'm starting to question the ethics of my public relations career path. I'm just afraid that I could twist myself around into someone I'd never want to be. I can see both sides to almost every issue, which makes everything really hard and I think it would be easier for me to slip up and slowly go down the wrong path, one concession at a time. But I'm working on my degree, then maybe I'll find my way into a career that I've never considered. I've been pretty sick the past couple weeks and missed basically all of my classes. That resulted in my having to drop two of them, so now it'll take even longer for me to graduate. I'm afraid of the real world, but it's also annoying to have planned for a certain graduation point and having it suddenly changed all around. I know I'll still be very young and ahead of the game when I graduate. But still.
So I suppose that's the past year or so in a nutshell. I'll see how it feels to write here again. I hope it improves my writing again.
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