January 18, 2006 - 7:25 p.m.
<What's next?
>
Living alone is driving me insane. It was nice for a while, but not now. Not now that everyone has new classes, jobs, and co-ops. Not now that Emily moved out of my building. Not now that I barely see Margaret. Not now that everyone has boyfriends that they're always with. Now I'm alone every night, except the ones I spend with Ramsey. Everyone's always busy, and I've give anything to be able to do exactly what I always do - work, homework, read - and know that there were other people around. I miss living with Sarah, and talking all night. Not wasting our time (every night), but at least once every hour or two I'd have contact with another human being. Everything was fine before I left for Christmas break, I've been back a week and a half and I've barely seen anyone, besides Ramsey. I'm not introverted enough for this lifestyle. I need someone here.
I talked to Mom today, she said that she doesn't think I should come home just to see Charlie. She says that he doens't recognize or respond to much of anyone, and she doesn't think it'd mean much to him if I were there. I disagree - even though he wouldn't recognize me, surely he'd feel me there? surely he'd know someone was there who loved him? A week ago, he wa fine. He was bedridden because of his hip, but fine other than that. At least in everyone's perception. He's declined so quickly - it's almost as if he's not giving up a fight. How much of a fight was there? He'd have hip problems for a long time, his whole life even. But I don't know that that would've been a fight so much as just waiting to be allowed out of bed. Now, all of the sudden, he's shutting down. Death is just so odd. He's there, but he can't even undersatnd who's there with him. His mind is shutting down as his body is. I guess I think that's the signal that it's death, and not just sickness or injury. When the mind is faltering and sputtering because the body is, to this extent, it can't mean anything else except that the end is near. I want to go see him - regardless of what he could feel with me there, or what he would know, it is so hard with Blanche's death. I know that part of that is the fact that I couldn't make it to the funeral. But to have my last memories of Charlie be of when he was in the nursing home, and relatively okay, and then only hear accounts over the phone of what's going on until I hear of his death - there's no closure in that. Hearing the state he's in and being able to go experience it are different. I know that my last memories of his presence won't be riddled with the complications and pain that will be the memories of the rest of my family, who are able to go see him every day. But I feel like I know his death is coming, without being able to adequetely prepare. That's two people now. God, why does it all have to happen at once? What's next?
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