January 08, 2006 - 11:18 p.m.
<"does he know you feel like this?"
>
Yesterday Ramsey and I got to talking about marriage, commitment, and such. Not directly about the two of us, mind you, but it was brought up because he mentioned that Sean said he thinks he and Gil are in a more mature relationship because they're already moving in, and because Sean was aghast that I wouldn't be accompanying Ramsey to a foreign country if he gets the fellowship he's hoping for. Ramsey's made it quite clear that he wouldn't ask me. I'm sure I'd say no - without having finished a degree, without knowing the language, with leaving my family, I couldn't see it being a good possibility. Except for the fact that, it being a fellowship, it would have an expiration date. I'd know when we were coming home. In that sense, it could be adventerous. But I'm still pretty sure I'd decline. All the same, I'd like to be asked.
For the record, I don't believe that Sean and Gil are in a super mature relationship. Sean hasn't been in a relationship for a long time, so he's so excited about this one. We all are. But I think that he's clinging so hard because he doesn't want to lose Gil. He and his family aren't close, and now his sisters are all starting to get married. Gil is the biggest thing in his life, but that's come at a price. He still hasn't finished his Greek midterm or final from Fall semester. He's lucky Dr. L gave him an incomplete. But tomorrow is the first day of the spring semester! He spends all his time with Gil instead of spending an hour or two doing what should have been done months ago. I also have this theory that the reason he's so eager to move in with Gil is so that they're more entwined and it'd be harder to break up. He'll have more of a hold on him.
I'm happy for them, but Sean is definitely still madly infatuated with Gil. Which is not the time to make these kinds of decisions. Sean is even considering giving up being a classisist to be a lawyer, so he can be more stable opposite Gil's unsteady directing career. I'm afraid that in a few months, the infatuation rubs off - as it does in all relationships. Then they'll enter the real substantial part of the relationshp, and I'm afraid that he'll learn he doesn't want to be living with Gil. Not that he won't love him, or want to stay with him - I can't make any predictions about that. But maybe he'll realize he jumped in too quickly.
Speaking of substantial relationships, I have a problem with mine. It's not quite substantial enough. I always think it's almost just how I want it, and then Ramsey and I will get into one of our talks about what we want out of the relationships in our life, and I realize how different we are. When we were talking yesterday, he said that when he's married, he'd divorce someone if they changed substantially in the middle of their life. He said that when you marry someone, you marry someone with a certain set of ideals, goals, and interests, and it'd be like deceiving someone to marry them and then change a few years into it. I think he's being ridiculous - you can't expect anyone not to change! He claims that's why he wants to wait a decade or two before getting married. He didn't seem to really believe my point about how even if you marry someone at 80, you can't always expect them to be exactly the same. If I get married to a banker, and one day he wakes up and wants to be a safari hunter, I'll be upset and my life will radically change. It may be painful and hard to accept and all of that. But I guess I just figure, when you marry someone, you make them your priority. Not the careers. So what if I hate going on a safari? I'd have to. That's my husband. Doesn't marrying someone put them first? Otherwise, why get married? I don't think I'd get married to someone that I'd leave if they suddenly changed. Doesn't love transcend that? Isn't marriage, and love, staying with someone despite all of that? To that end, I realize that I could never be his priority. While right now I do feel pretty big in his life, I realize that its just relative. Right now, he only has school. Sean is always gone with Gil, Matthew has turned into a video-game playing beast, to the point where he can't make a conversation about anything else. I love him, but its true. His only family is his mom and Dr. L, and he doesn't have a job. So there's room for me. But if the fact is that he couldn't even make someone a priority after he marries her, there's no chance for me to ever be at the top. So why stay with him? It's the question that's haunted me from day one. Eight months ago (can you believe it?) I stay with him because I'm mad about him, all the while knowing that some day things will crash down because of core values beyond either of our control. In a way, I hope he gets his fellowship. Then our relationship itself will have an expiration date. At the end of the summer, he'll leave, and we'll be over. I won't have to drag it out for years until I finally decide its time to move onto someone who can give me what I really want. We won't have to actually face those issues and break each other's hearts. I won't have to always wonder if I did the right thing. It will be beyond my hands. Then again, I wish I could learn to use my own strength for such things. And won't I keep holding onto his memory if we end like that, because neither of us had chosen it directly to affect the two of us? I imagine that I'd picture the two of us as two destined to be together torn apart by dreams, or something equally romantic, illogical, and unhelpful. I'd keep waiting for him to come back and realize how much he loved and needed me. Except that he wouldn't.
I also hope he doesn't get it, because I'll always have that foolish optimism that maybe things are different with he and I.
He also hasn't said "I love you" again. That continues to bother me. Whenever one of my friends has a problem like this, one of the first problem-solving questions I ask is always "does he know you feel like this?" and then continue to tell them that the first step is to talk to him. I need to start following my own advice. I've been avoiding it since Billy and I started dating freshmen year of high school (for the first time). But how do you tell someone "you need to say 'i love you' more, to be a good boyfriend." you can't force people into that kind of stuff. and I don't want to always wonder if he's saying it because he means it, or because he wants me to think he means it. But how do I even put him in that awkward position of asking, "do you really love me?"
Previous |
Next
