January 03, 2006 - 12:53 a.m.
<It's especially heartbreaking.
>
Blanche's death still hasn't sunk in. It's eerie, knowing that, but its true. On Saturday, we all went over there to clean up. It's a huge house, huge property, and it will definitely take forever to organize. It was the first time I've ever driven there - usually I'm just the passenger, so while I knew how to get there pretty much, I never paid specific attention to the street names and such. So, on the way over, I thought for just a second "I need to pay attention to this so I can drive out alone later and visit Blance." Just a second later, I realized - the whole reason I was driving out was to sort out her house because she's died. It was bizarre, to correct myself like that.
I got some jewelry while we were there, and a picture from her wedding day. It's beautiful. I looked through all the bedrooms upstairs, where no one was ever allowed. It was strange rifling through all these things. Her mother's, her sister's bedrooms, they were left as if people still lived there. Clothes were still in the drawers, wallets and pictures were still on dressers, fifty-year-old makeup and perfumes were in the bathrooms. It was interesting looking through these rooms where no one was ever allowed, but I felt like I was violating everything, too. I'm still waiting for it to sink in. If that didn't do it, what will?
This weekend I went to Louisville for New Year's. Ramsey had some people over at his house, so I was mostly there but stopped in at Margaret's for a bit, too. We spent the night at my apartment, and in the morning went to his house and layed on the couch all day while he slept his upset stomach away and I watched DVDs. We went to my apartment and stayed up late having (amazing!) sex and reading worthless magazines like Maxim and Glamour. Today, we went to his house and played video games all day. I didn't want to leave him at all - at the time when I had to tear myself away was hard. It's always hard to leave your love, but sometimes it's especially heartbreaking. We were laying in bed and were beautiful, Sean was playing Irish music in the other room and everything was still and warm.
Also eerie, and completely unnerving and unsettling, is how warm it is outside. World, this is
January! I'm supposed to be waking up to -10 degree mornings! Instead, carrying a coat outside is completely useless and wearing a sweater is too hot. I don't know how warm it was outside today, but it had to be about 60 degrees. It just feels really wrong, and somehow scary, that the weather is so completely off kilter.
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