December 05, 2005 - 12:52 a.m.
<I'm tired of losing
>
I wish I had more time to write this, but as it is, I have Greek and Psychology final exams in the morning, and I still have a lot of studying to do. I'll write more when I can. But I need to get this down.
Yesterday morning, I woke up at Ramsey's house by a phone call from my mom. She told me that on Friday night, Blanche was hit by a car. She was walking across the street to get her mail, and someone hit her. They're doing an autopsy to see if she was having a heart attack and that's why she couldn't move out of the road.
I stayed on the phone with Mom for a while, until there wasn't a whole lot more to say. I'm glad I was at Ramsey's, I don't know that I could've made it on my own that day. I crawled into his bed and he held me as I cried for quite some time. After a while he made me breakfast and we ate in his bed in silence, then we watched "The Twilight Zone" until I left around three. I was so thankful for him - he took care of me and held me, but when I was worn from crying he sat with me while we did something to distract me. At around three or four, Andy, Ben, and Dan Breetz came to my apartment, because they had been in Indiana looking at a city Andy might co-op in next semester. We walked to Dizzy Whiz and ate a late lunch/early supper together. I was thankful that Dan was there. I needed my brothers, and was so thankful they came and saw me, but I was afraid that if it was only the three of us we wouldn't know what to do and would just sit in our grief together. They left and I went back to Ramsey's house, where I spent the night until this morning. I didn't want to be alone last night, but I didn't have the will or the energy to do much else. I don't think I'm handling this all very well. It's not that I'm breaking down - quite the opposite. After an hour or two of crying yesterday morning, I've been fine-ish. I've been more concerned about if I have something clean to wear to the funeral and preccupied with knowing when it is so I can get in touch with any professors I need to about a final that I could reschedule. I've been thinking more of the technical details - which is a bad way of dealing with this, because I just know that soon it'll all crash down without warning. I don't want to think about how horrific her last moments were, but sometimes it's all I can picture. I couldn't go home last night because I had to spend all day today doing homework. Seeing as I wasn't about to accomplish anything yesterday, I've been trying to fit it all in today, very poorly.
I'm quite afraid to go to sleep alone tonight. I'm afraid that I'll break apart tonight.
I just can't believe this happened. I just can't. I was just thinking the other day about how I should start writing her letters. But of course I kept putting it off, believing that I had all the time in the world. I didn't. I just hope she knows how much I thought of her.
I'm afraid to grieve because I don't know what I think happens when you die - and that uncertainty is perhaps more terrifying than having a definite, grim view. I don't want to be confronted with my own uncertainty, and forced to figure it out now. I'm afraid to think of her death because I don't know how to think of it.
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