November 06, 2005 - 9:38 p.m.
<sinking
>
So I've been having lingering doubts about Ramsey for the past week or so. Not long enough, or strong enough, to really be something to concern myself with too greatly. But they're still there.
We've hit the patch where things are so comfortable, that I wish I was single and could date lots of shiny new people and go dancing and out to dinner and we could both focus on being charming and fun. Comfort is better than a few interesting dates, but I can't say I don't miss it. I miss not knowing what will come.
I also have this weird crush on someone, I don't want to date him, and if I were single I'm not sure I even would, but I
want him. He's cute, but not that extensively attractive. But for some reason, I have a crush on him. It's unsettling.
I love being with Ramsey because he's my best friend. I'm very happy with him. But that, actually, is the problem. When we were just casual, it was okay that we didn't have the same views on love and commitment and things like that. But the more attached I get to him, the more it scares me that I can see that I'm setting myself up for a heartbreak. It's not that I see us breaking up in the near future, and most of the time, the way he acts seems like I shouldn't be concerned. But, for example, we were watching
Friends and there was the episode of Ross and Emily's wedding. And when the wedding came up, he wanted to fast forward through it. When I wouldn't, he hid under the covers, like he does when there's something really violent or creepy on TV. Of course, I don't want to marry him. But it bothers me that he acts the same way towards such a loving event, as he does towards someone getting their head cut off. It says a lot, I think, that he's so vehemently opposed to it.
Also, my mom keeps wanting me to bring him home. It's not that I want to keep them away because I'm not serious about him, but because I don't think they'd like him. If we were somewhere where he could drink, he would. They wouldn't like that. He smokes. They wouldn't like that. He'd be socially awkward, especially in an intimidating situation like that (hence the drinking), and I think he'd make a fool of himself under the critical eye of parents who didn't hear about him in the best way a few months ago when I had to tell Mom that I had sex with him. My dad would think he was silly because he doesn't have a job and isn't majoring in anything that my dad would deem useful. And even though I can make excuses for some of the things that they wouldn't like or understand about him, I also know that I've learned from watching my family's reaction to boyfriends and girlfriends that my cousins have brought home, that you have to trust our family's judgement of people.
I'm afraid of brushing through my brief period of mild uncertainty, without having really contemplated anything. I'm afraid of getting hurt in the end by all the problems that I can obviously see right now, and have been seeing all along. These problems are just becoming more of a concern to me now, because I'm becoming more serious about Ramsey.
This is a horrible reason, but even if I was certain that I couldn't live with certain things about him, I'd still be hesitant to break up with him because I love his roommates so much. I'd hate to give them up, because they're such close friends of mine now. And while I don't think that they wouldn't be my friends just because Ramsey and I broke up, and even though I don't necessarily think Ramsey and I would quit being friends just because we broke up, it'd also be awkward to go over there and hang out, and for everything to be so different.
Previous |
Next
