October 02, 2005 - 5:21 p.m.
<I'm just happier with space
>
On Friday, I was watching Sue's house. I'd been talking all week about how Ramsey should come out and spend all night in the hot tub with me. When Friday came around, he and his roommate decided to have some people over for a cookout - which was fine. We'd just get to hot tubbing a little later, right? But he got drunk. On the way to go pick Sean up from work, (which I had to do the driving for...I didn't mind that because I love Sean and told him I'd always bring him to/from work if he needs me to. But I mind that Ramsey got drunk even before he knew Id' be able to drive) he started talking about how he's never been passionately, deeply, in love. And that he wants to, but he doesn't feel like he's the kind of person who could. He said that he really likes me, but he's sad that he's not completely head over heels for me. Do I expect him to be completely enthralled in me after a couple months? No. But it sounds like he doesn't believe that he could be. I knew that, but hearing him say it doesn't make it any easier to swallow. But it was hard to keep him on that topic - he was drunk. Maybe it was that, maybe it was his general belligerance when he's intoxicated, but suddenly all I wanted to go was to go home. We picked Sean up and drove back to his house, where I told them that I was going to call my brother for a minute from my car. Once they left, I started sobbing. I don't really even know what was wrong with me. And that makes me feel like such a girl to say. But I cried for a while, and then blew my nose and tried to clean myself up a little to go back inside. Just as I was about to get out of the car, his roommates, Sean and Matthew, came outside because they said that they missed me. Sean could tell I was upset, and when he had to bring his sister home, he invited me along. We kind of talked about it, and he said that I could just get in my car and leave without going in the house and getting Ramsey, but I couldn't do that. I'd been talking about it all week. And that's passive-aggresive. When we got back inside, the whiskey was hitting Ramsey especially hard, and he was close to passing out. I asked him several times if he wanted to stay home, but he said no, and we actually did go to Sue's house and spend some time in the hot tub. I think he went more because he told me he'd go, than because he wanted to, and I appreciate the fact that he's making an effort to be reliable. But then we just went to sleep and the next morning I drove him back home. I think this whole thing wouldn't have been such a big deal, but I need some time away from him. I'd seen him every day last week, and I'm just not the kind of girlfriend who can see her boyfriend every day. I get restless and high-strung. I'll be a terrible wife.
Last night, Saturday, I was walking around the art fair and found Robert and Daniel, who came back and ate some dinner with me and hung out for a long time. Daniel was talking to me about my relationship with Ramsey. I got confused sometimes - I think because he doesn't know a lot of concrete stories about him, but just "gets a feeling" from the way I speak about him. And I didn't want to say a lot, because I didn't know how much I should tell someone I hardly know. So the whole conversation was kind of hypothetical and hard to follow. I think he doesn't get a good impression of our relationship, and thinks I'd be happier elsewhere. While many of the things that he said about insufficiencies and common values were true, I think we put different values on different things - which is why if he was in my shoes, he might leave, but I'm really quite happy. I know that it won't be like I want it to be. But I really am okay with the fact that we'll have to love and leave. I'd rather not know that the leaving part is inevitable, but it's enough for me to just have the time I can with him.
Later I went to Jason's party, which was absolutely fabulous. I got drunk, which I'm not prone to do, but I loved the sensation of it last night. And because Andrew's girlfriend is now away for college, there aren't a bunch of high school people running around all the parties. I realize that I'm 19 - there are plenty of people my age who are still in high school, or have just gotten out. But I also know that I'm so far beyond them, now, that I feel a huge divide between me and everyone Jessica brings to the parties. I feel weird saying that, but it's true. I feel infinitely older than them, and get quite annoyed when they're there.
I passed out in Jason's bed, and in the morning the whole main room was covered in sleeping bodies.
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