August 20, 2005 - 12:33 a.m.
<I could love him
>
I heard from Ramsey today, he said that he's coming home Tuesday night! I thought that he'd be back on Friday, after I will have already left for Kara's wedding in Kansas. So then I wouldn't see him until Monday or something when I come back - so this is a week early! I'm so excited. I'm giddy, almost. I can't wait to jump into his arms! Now I'm almost done waiting for him to come home, instead of only little more than half way. I can't wipe the smile from my face. It wasn't as terrible, being away from him, as I thought it would be. But it was still terrible. This sounds bad, but it was probably slightly easy to have him gone, because when he's in Peru I don't have to deal with the things that make me so upset when he's here. I can't get mad, because when he's in Peru, he can't blow me off or not answer my calls.
Of course, I feel guilty about everything with Jeff. I didn't let things get too far, but I did tempt the decision to leave Ramsey for him, and I can't say that I don't have feelings for Jeff still. But we can definitely only be friends now. I hope that he doesn't think I was just amusing myself because my boyfriend was gone. It all started because I genuinly missed him and wanted to hang out with him. It's just, in doing so, it went a little too far, and I started thinking things that I shouldn't. I hope he doesn't feel used. I could understand if he did feel that way, but that's not what happened. I still want to keep hanging out with him. I just hope that he still wants to hang out with me, even when he knows that we'll not get back together. I could love him. I could.
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