August 17, 2005 - 11:55 p.m.
<I loathe myself
>
Tonight Anna moved back to Louisville and into her new dorm. I went over and hung out with her, when Jeff called me. I didn't want to desert Anna, but since she was sleepy anyway, I stayed for about another half hour at her place and then headed to Denny's to hang out with Jeff. I thought it was important I went, because I was afraid that things between us would be weird. We talked, and actually saw Cassie there. She said that she doesn't really like living with Erin because she orders her around. I feel bad for her, but I couldn't help but think that at least a little funny.
So Jeff and I talked, and stayed at Denny's for about 45 minutes, and then we went out because he had to get home - but then we stayed talking in the parking lot for about 45 minutes. We kept saying goodbye, and giving each other big, long, hugs, but then we kept stalling. And it took a really long time for him to finally leave. But I loved that I got to keep hugging him - I never wanted to let go. When I got home a while ago, I dug out his old T-shirt from the back of my closet, where old boyfriends' things have gone to rest. I'm wearing it to bed. I can't say I don't feel guilty - but I'm not taking it off, either, a detail which is hard to miss. I feel like I think of sleep as almost sacred - I always want to wear things I love to bed, more than even if I'm just hanging out alone. I resisted the urge to wear Jeff's things to bed the past couple days, but I my arms feel so empty without him in them anymore.
This is madness. Ramsey and Jeff are obviously all that I think about, as evidenced by my mass of diary entries in the past couple days. It just needs to stop. This needs to all burn out. Jeff will be in Louisville all next week. I'm kind of scared of that. I'm tired of this.
Previous |
Next
