August 17, 2005 - 5:21 p.m.
<I can't wait two weeks. I need to know now.
>
All day long it's a juggling act in my head with Ramsey and Jeff. It's almost become irrelevant how they feel about me - I just need to decide once and for all what I think and how I feel. Somehow it can't grasp, or accept, that I have affections for them both. I feel like there has to be a "winner". I want to wait until Ramsey comes back, and see him, and then decide. But that's two weeks away. This Jeff business has only been plaguing me intensely since Saturday night, and it's already too much for me. I don't know if I can handle another two weeks. I don't like waking up in the mornings because I know that's all I'll be thinking about all day. I know that all I'll be doing is feeling guilty and confused all day. And I can't wait two weeks, because I have a slight fear that since I didn't kiss Jeff, he feels oddly about me - we haven't talked since I left Monday, and something was off when we were saying goodbye. I tried to hug him as tightly as I could, so he knew how much I care about him. I don't know if I got that across. He won't even IM me, the most casual of all contacts. I don't want things to get off and weird with him - even if I decided that I had absolutely no interest in him except as a friend, I'd still want to un-weird things now while it's still fresh.
I don't even understand where all this came from. It's like, one day I was completely enamoured with Ramsey. The next, out of nowhere, Jeff started creeping back into my mind and my heart.
All I want to do is to go fishing with Jeff and talk about it. But of course I can't do that. And, I feel so guilty for doing this when I'm with Ramsey - I'd feel utterly betrayed if he had feelings for someone else. I can't believe I'm doing this to him. Part of me looks to my old self, who wouldn't date someone as long as she had feelings for anyone else, claiming unfairness. But the older I get, the messier my past gets, and the more my heart branches out to so many people, that by now I think that's impossible to do that.
There are so many things about both of them that I can't imagine living without. I can't imagine living without the hunger and interest between Ramsey and I, but at the same time I've been wondering lately how much longer I can deal with not feeling respected or cared about from him. And I can't imagine going on without feeling the warmth and safety of Jeff. My days are filled with flashbacks of both of them. One minute I know that I have to stay with Ramsey, despite the pain. The next moment, I can't imagine not having Jeff again. There's not a general consensus of my opinion, the default, of course, has just been Ramsey because I'm already with him and he won't be back for a couple weeks. I don't even know what's right or healthy anymore. This just consumes me.
Previous |
Next
