August 15, 2005 - 7:07 p.m.
<Thank goodness tomorrow will be fun
>
Last night I drove to Jeff's parents' house - he's watching the dogs for a week or so while they're out of town. We made popcorn, watched TV, and we both woke up after falling asleep to Spiderman 2, so it was time to go to bed. He told me that I could sleep in his parents' bed, and I guess I assumed that he would sleep in his. But then he came into the room with me and started getting ready for bed. I can't say that I was disappointed. So we slept together (literally) - I woke up a few times and his arm was around me. I only rolled away once, out of respect for my relationship with Ramsey, not out of a desire to roll away. When we woke up, we were hanging out in bed and he put his arms around me for a minute, but stopped. After a pancake breakfast, we got back into bed because we were sleepy, and after a while he put his arms around me and we lay together like that. It was what I had been craving all night - the opportunity to feel his warmth against my back. He tucked my hair behind my ears and held my hand. He told me to get closer - he wanted to kiss me. I didn't know what to do, so I just layed there, still in his arms. I guess that was mean - I should've somehow acknowledged what he said. But how was I to tell him that I wanted to, but couldn't? Even if I hated Ramsey (which I don't) and definitely wanted to be with Jeff (which I don't), I couldn't do it. There would be no decency there. I won't cheat on someone. (but have I already? I'm not being very decent as it is)
I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, he never held me again. I guess that's more or less for the better, but I still wish it wouldn't have happened that way. I don't know what to do. What's wrong with me? When I was with Jeff, all of the sudden, after a couple months, out of nowhere, I started thinking about Ramsey again. Now that I'm with Ramsey, after a couple months, out of nowhere, I start to think about Jeff again. They both have qualities that the other doesn't, qualities that drive me to them. I know, that of all the problems a girl could have, being stuck between two guys who you are crazy about and want (or possibly want) to be with you doesn't sound like the worst problem one could have. But it's tearing me apart.
I feel like Jeff appreciates me, if not wants me. He's sweet and when we dated he'd call me. He bought me flowers on Valentine's Day (which I still have, hanging in my apartment) and he it just seemed that I was on his mind. But with Ramsey, I feel wanted, if not appreciated. He comes up behind me to hug me, and he kisses me all the time. He'll stroke me if we're laying in bed, and pull me close when we're watching a movie. I respect and admire so many things about Jeff: his honesty, his kindness, even his drive, which bothers me some, weird as it might be, but in the end you can' thelp respecting it, also. But I enjoy so many things about Ramsey: his sense of humor, our conversations, the way we relate to each other when we're hanging out. Why does each person have to have half of what I want? This sounds terrible, but I wish something would happen - like Ramsey cheating on me in Peru, or Jeff getting a girlfriend, that would make my decision-making role void. Sure, maybe Ramsey and I would break up anyway, or maybe Jeff and I would never date anyway, but not having to make this decision would be refreshing. My secret is that I think I'll probably stay with Ramsey. But it will strain me not to have Jeff.
I picture myself dating both of them - we're at a party and I see my boyfriend from across the room and we smile - I feel like I'd be more proud, and delighted, to be smiling at Ramsey than Jeff. But Jeff never made me cry.
----
Mom called me today and told me that Paul and Tommy were arrested. Last night they were smoking marijuana outside Jeff's house that's being remodeled, and a neighbour called the police because s/he thought that there was someone trying to break in. The police came and found them smoking. They were arrested and went to jail, and their dads came and got them late that night/early this morning. I can't believe it - I knew that they smoked, but I guess you never think of anyone getting caught for it. I wish I could say more about this, but I honestly don't even know more. I called Jeffrey today, and he didn't know a lot more than what my mom told me when she called. I just have to wait - I want to call everyone and find out what they know, but I can't be invasive like that. I wish I had come home this week - so many things would be better for it, schedule-wise, first of all. But now, with this, I want to just be there. To soak this in.
Previous |
Next
