August 14, 2005 - 3:47 p.m.
<But then there's this overwhelming guilt...
>
Last night Jeff and I hung out. He came over to my apartment, and we sat on the couch talking and eating ice cream. A small while after I lit all the candles that I keep in my fireplace, there was a storm and the electricity went out. We opened my big window and sat smoking pipes and watching the rain. It was very calm - in the dark, with the rain, in the middle of the night. We talked about a lot of things, and we talked about a few months ago when we just stopped hanging out. I said that I started dating Ramsey because Jeff and I quit hanging out, and didn't talk long enough that I figured we weren't dating anymore. That is only half true - the truth is, I started dating Ramsey at the same time that Jeff and I quit talking. I don't think one was the cause of the other, but after a week or two, it would be weird to call Jeff. At first I didn't call him for a week because I was so busy. But then I was distracted with Ramsey, and after a week or two I realized I hadn't talked to Jeff in a while - I felt incredibly guilty, until it occured to me that he hadn't called me in a while, either. So then I'd feel weird calling him. Turns out, he felt the same way - minus the Ramsey part. He said that he's glad we didn't have sex because it didn't complicate things afterwards. I didn't agree with that, but if he wants to be happy about it, I won't convince him we would've been fine otherwise.
We started talking about how my neighbourhood is unsafe, and how he's scared for me to live here, and then we started hearing gunshots. I ended up going to his apartment because I was afraid to stay in my own alone. That's not entirely true. I would've gone even if I wasn't afraid, because...just because. Honestly, because I do still like him, and I wanted to pretend we were still so close for a while. But then again, even if I didn't feel like that, I probably would've gone and spent the night at his apartment anyway because I was truly frightened.
When we got there we had a disagreement about who should sleep on the couch - we both thought that the other should get the bed. In the end, we decided to share the bed. We had to sleep close because the cover is small - smaller than I'd remembered. But then there was a closeness that I don't think was just the covers. I would feel him on the hairs on my back - so unbelievably close, but at the same time not touching. When I rolled over to face him, I found that he was snuggled facing me - when we were dating I remember being distressed because he'd always face away. I woke up a few times in the middle of the night - something I never do. And we were always facing each other. When he woke up in the morning, I barely opened my eyes - I tried to look like I was still sleeping. And I saw him look at me, in more of a regard of my presence. Or was I just dreaming that it was more? He got dressed and left for the guard, and I slept there until about eleven. It was so reminiscent of when we were dating. I know that I couldn't date him, because of the problems I had before - I have a big problem with his being in the guard and always being involved in things that could send him into war. There would be the problem of having that stress if he left and we were in a relationship, but even more so, and what tore me even more apart, was that I have moral problems with it. And this sounds stupid, maybe, but it constantly bothered me - There wasn't really
energy when we would make out. He said a few times that he thought we'd have great sex, if we did - but I don't think so, really. I need someone with more energy, more desire, than what I felt from him.
But despite all that, I can't help a very real, strong pull towards him. I can't say that it didn't feel great to sleep in his bed again.
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