August 12, 2005 - 12:59 a.m.
<oh, Jeff
>
In the past week or so, a few times, I've had dreams about Jeff and me. I've dreamt that we got together, and I was so happy. I've dreamt that we were in moments of passion. I've dreamt that we were still together, and very happy. The first time or two, I woke up more or less amused. But after that, I've started feeling guilty - once or twice could be written off as nothing, but recurring? What does that mean? He's the sweetest guy, and therefore I was, and still am, sad that we broke up. He was so perfect and nice, but there wasn't enough...passion? Something was off. There was slightly too little excitement. I can't blame him, he was exhausted between school and work and the guard, most of the time we hung out for a half hour or so and went to sleep. And maybe we just couldn't create that kind of spark between us. So I don't regret breaking up with him, even though it was hard to justify in words, since he was so great. The truth is, when I was with him I started thinking about Ramsey a lot, because what I felt for Ramsey was what was missing from me and Jeff. I have to be honest, that I did stop dating Jeff because things with Ramsey started up. Maybe I just didn't have time to digest Jeff before jumping into (and onto) Ramsey.
Anyway, Jeff and I were talking online today about hanging out soon. I'm to call him when I get back in town on Saturday. While I really want to be his friend, and I think we'll have a lot of fun, and even if I wasn't with Ramsey probably nothing would happen...I'd be lying if I said that I'm not a little disappointed that I know exactly how it will turn out. It would be exciting and fun to see if something happened between Jeff and me. I wish that there could be that mystery. I'm happy with Ramsey, happier than I was with Jeff. I wouldn't comprimise anything. I have feelings for Jeff, but I couldn't date him. I just desperately need to be his friend. I hope that when we hang out, it's not flirty. But at the same time, I hope that it is. Isn't that terrible?
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