August 06, 2005 - 2:51 p.m.
<I can't take this from him
>
Last night I sat outside of Ramsey's house and sobbed into my hands. We spent the afternoon together between classes, and when he left to take his final exam, he kissed me goodbye and promised we'd hang out that evening. He'd be done running errands at about 8:30, he said. I told him to call me when he was done. "or you call me", he said, highly illogical but I just nodded because I was so happy to have plans.
Darren came in town and I promised him that Ramsey, Matthew, Blakesly, and I were hanging out at about 8:30 and he should come. At nine, I hadn't heard from Ramsey and called him. There was no answer, so I called him again a bit later. I'd woken him up, and I was angry about that, but he promised to call me back in a bit when he woke up. I didn't go bowling with Emily, because I was supposed to see Ramsey. I didn't go to Jeff's apartment for movies with them, because I was supposed to see Ramsey. I didn't hang out with Margaret, because I was supposed to see Ramsey. I didn't start working, despite my state of near broke, because I was supposed to see Ramsey. I took a second shower to make sure that I was shaven and sexy. I curled my hair and put on my makeup. Emily came down to talk for a little bit until Alex got off of work. I called Ramsey every half hour or so after 10, but he didn't answer his house phone or his cell phone. At midnight, I finally went over there - to wake him up and yell at him. I'm not a confrontational person by any means. I absoutely hate yelling at boyfriends because I don't want to act like I'm in charge of them, and especially I don't want to yell at Ramsey - mostly because I see him so little, I don't want to mess up my once-a-week visit being sour. I knocked on his front door, and called his phones. I knocked on his back door and called his phones. I sat in my car and called his phones. I'd wasted my whole night, and so many other nights, waiting for him because he promised to see me. I feel like I'm second best to his sleeping. And I'm utterly disrespected - and I'm utterly wasting my nights away. I just sobbed in my car outside of his house, it being too late to really see anyone, but at the same time I didn't want to go back to my apartment and admit that he had ruined my night, even though he did. I called Jeff, and Robert, but Jeff didn't answer and Robert was busy. I called Darren, who was going for drinks with Jody and would call me in an hour when he got out of the bar - but I couldn't wait, alone, that long. I called Margaret and went over to her house, where we sat and talked for an hour or two before we were both tired and went home. I went to bed and had a horrible sleep, waking up at about 9:30 without being able to go back to sleep - usually I have to fight with myself to get out of bed for school that early.
Yesterday afternoon, he told me that he wanted to come visit me at home, because I'm going home for a little less than a week, on Monday or Tuesday. Then a bit later he told me that he might go to Morocco - originally he invited me to go to Mexico with him, and told me that he'd let me know when he knew when he was going, so I could see if I could save up. Somehow it shifted to his roommate going with him, then no one going, then yesterday to maybe him going somewhere else. And he never actually informed me of any of this - I had to glean it all from being at their house and hearing conversations. So last night was perhaps the last night that I could see him for a few weeks - today is his mother's birthday, and I'm going to Margaret's party. Tomorrow Ben is coming in town, and Monday I'm going home. When I get back, he may be gone. It's as if none of this means anything - do I mean anything? I just can't believe I'm taking this from him. I asked him once to try to be more careful about ditching me like this. He said okay. Now all I can do is cry hot tears. I don't remember the last time I cried. Maybe I'm long overdue for a cry. I just can't believe the disregard that he has. I wouldn't take this from anyone else, but the thing is, I wouldn't have to. No one else would do this to someone. Why can't I be dating someone who's responsive? At least as responsive and responsible as a friend would be to me - or more so? I never yell at anyone. But I need to just talk to him about this, especially because I can't go home and seethe for a week. But it's hard to yell at someone you can't get a hold of in the first place.
I also lost my cell phone last night, I have no idea where. I answered it at Margaret's house, and from there went straight home. I went to her house today, but it wasn't there. Nor was it in her street, my car, or on my street. I've left signs up all around the building asking anyone who found it outside of the apartment building to bring it to me. I'm terribly handicapped without it, especially since I can't get a hold of my family. Getting a hold of friends isn't that hard, with all of the ways we're connected on the ineternet, and we're all going to the same party tonight. But part of my is almost grateful - I don't have to sit and glare at my phone for Ramsey not having called me. But I'm terribly worried that when I do find it, if I do find it, I'll break down in anger and hurt because undoubtedly, he will not have called me.
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